Self-Hatred — Hidden Sin II
I have cried and prayed fervently through the process of writing this.
It has also taken me a bit longer than I had hoped, but I believe the effort has been worth it.
The topic of self-hatred in the life of a believer is truly so very important.
It's often hidden (subconscious), but makes the difference between experiential life or death in the heart & life of a person.
Especially since it directly impacts your relationship with God.
It can be the very thing that keeps you stuck from fulfilling your life's work or from being who you truly are.
We are born in the midst of war & self-hatred is one of the most insidious weapons the kingdom of darkness uses in order to cripple people for life.
It is a weapon we are tempted to pick up with our own hands and use against our own hearts.
It can even drastically postpone a person from accepting The Gospel in the first place.
Not good.
Before we get into more of the deeper content though, let's pray.
"Lord Jesus,
I want to thank You for putting this burden on my heart.
Your love for us is truly more profound than we can possibly imagine.
I ask Lord, that You would anoint these words so that Your heart would be experienced and Your mercy felt.
That it truly is Your kindness that leads us to repentance.
That there is hope for lasting healing.
Even though self hatred is indeed a sin, I know that it breaks Your heart when we are stuck in such a place. Please continue to use this series to minister to the hearts of your people. The ones who are meant to read and think on these words.
Thank You Jesus for being faithful, even when we are unfaithful.
It is in Your name we pray.
Amen."
Let us continue from the last post shall we?
Self-hatred is planted in the heart from as early an age as possible. Sometimes even as early as in utero.
It isn't necessarily overtly planted from an external source per se (although that does happen with certain kinds of abuse during developmental years) but it is something that we come into agreement with.
What I mean to say is that no one can make you hate yourself.
It is something that you choose — often unconsciously.
You are tempted into it.
The temptation often occurs through thoughts that are offered while going through overwhelming, painful or confusing things in life.
Let's look at a couple of examples.
The following stories are fictional stories to convey the nature of how self-hatred is planted and rooted in the hearts and lives of human beings by the enemy of our souls.
Sophie was conceived out of wedlock while both parents were under the influence of drugs and alcohol.
Nathaniel was conceived during a particularly stressful financial season in his family with 2 older siblings. His parents were married, but constantly worried about debt, bills and keeping up with perceived expectations.
They loved each other, but struggled to spend quality time and actually enjoy each other or the life they shared.
Sophie's mother didn't know she was there for nearly two & a half months.
& Sophie didn't know the sound of her father's voice.
When her mother found out she was there, growing fast as ever, she felt her first full-bodied experience of shame. Was it hers? or Moms? She really didn't know.
It just was.
Thick.
Pulsing.
All consuming.
She felt an urge to be smaller.
To take up less space.
Sophie could feel the stress chemicals pulse through her environment as her mother's heart pounded like a drum all around her. Her mother's cries sent crashing waves of pressure that would squeeze her in from all around.
She could hear mother saying, “This can't be happening, This can't be happening, This can't be happening,
Oh no, Oh no, Oh no.
What am I going to do?!?”
Sophie's mom cried herself to sleep that night.
“am I not supposed to be here?” crossed Sophie's mind.
A seed of doubt planted.
When Nathaniel's mom found out she was pregnant, all he heard her say was, “great.”
Heavy.
Matter of factly.
A big sigh exited her body as he swayed in her womb.
When he heard her approach Dad to share with him that he was there, he couldn't help but notice the weight of silence in the air.
He waited and listened.
Nothing.
Mom's body grew tense.
She walked away & then around for a little while with heavy footsteps.
She came to an abrupt stop, startling Nathaniel as he heard her say, “God, where are you?!?”
“am I a mistake?” crossed Nathaniel's mind.
He was then overcome with the urge to be smaller.
Take up less space.
After a few days Sophie's mom decided she was going to have an abortion.
The stress was still pulsing through both of their bodies.
Sophie was afraid.
She just wanted her mom to feel better.
“Maybe if I wasn't here, she would feel better.” she thought.
When her mom went to the clinic for an abortion, they sat in the car while her mother cried.
The thought, “If I wasn't here, things would be better,” crossed Sophie's mind.
She agreed with the thought so it became hers.
Surely she was the reason this was all happening.
Time seemed to slow way down as her mother sat there with tear stained cheeks and a chest full of fear.
Her mother didn't go in & they finally drove away.
Her mother was so angry with herself and even wrestled with thoughts of ending her own life.
Sophie could feel it.
Sophie continued to wait and observe, feeling responsible and helpless.
She just wanted her mom to feel better.
“I only cause pain and trouble.” swept across her mind.
It was easy to agree with that thought as well.
Soon after Nathaniel was born, his parents faced even more financial difficulty as his father was fired from the marketing agency.
Credit cards maxed out, car in need of repair, shoes getting too small for the older children – all creating more tension than ever.
Nathaniel's parents' relationship faced even more strain and distance as the months crept on without any financial income other than food stamps to get them through.
Mom was irritable and often yelled.
She cried a lot too.
Whenever she would nurse Nathaniel, she would stare at the little bright screen that was always at hand.
The thoughts, “Mom doesn't look at me because she's mad at me.”
& “This is all my fault.”
haunted Nathaniel.
It was all he could think about as he stared up into his mothers face.
He felt hopeless, helpless, and needy.
“Maybe if I didn't need so much, mom would look at me and smile.” Nathaniel thought.
He decided in his heart, “I will do anything to make her smile.”
All the while, dad was distant and depressed.
He rarely even looked Nathaniel's way let alone picked him up.
Mom complained about how she hadn't gotten her hair done in ages and none of her clothes fit anymore. Anytime she caught her reflection in the mirror she would be brought to tears again.
Nathaniel would hear his mom ask his dad to take her for a drive just to get out of the house. His older brother and sister would ask him to take them to the park.
Nathaniel knew better than to ask Dad for anything.
“This is all my fault. If I wasn't here, they would be happy” He thought.
Nathaniel's parents were divorced by his 3rd birthday.
When Sophie's mom gave birth to her and their eyes met for the first time, Sophie heard the words, “what am I going to do with you?”
They both cried.
The taste of warm formula brought Sophie some comfort even though she knew in her heart that something was missing.
Sophie decided that she would do anything and everything to help her mom feel better.
Over the years, her mom was in and out of many relationships – which always ended in tears.
Sophie had even overheard one of the men say to her mother that no one would ever want to be with her because of Sophie.
They never saw him again.
Each time a new man came in, she would wonder, “is this my daddy?”
Her heart longed to be chosen.
To be wanted.
Sophie was so sad for Mom.
She was so sad for herself.
“Life is nothing but sadness,” swept across her heart and mind.
Tears welled in her eyes at the thought.
It seemed that no matter how hard she tried to be sweet & pretty & charming – no matter how much she wanted them to like her & choose to stay – they all left.
Every single one of them.
So many tears.
“My mom would have been better off if I weren't here,” Sophie thought.
She began to hate that she was ever even born.
Her heart hurt so much.
She began to believe she was never and would never be good enough.
She felt like a burden.
Deep in her heart she vowed, “I will never be good enough. No one will ever really love me.”
Her heart hardened.
When Nathaniel got saved at 17, he struggled to believe that God would actually want a relationship with him…to be close with him.
The idea of a Father who cared about him touched a deeply buried longing in his heart.
He poured himself into The Word to try to understand exactly what he needed to do to please his Heavenly Father.
Deep down, in an unconscious way, he wanted to make sure God would never leave him.
Unconscious fear drove him in ministry.
He was gifted and indeed called, but he struggled to rest in his relationship with The Lord.
He was driven by hidden vows to be perfect and pleasing in every way.
He worked so much & so hard over the years, he found his own marriage reflecting that of his parents.
This absolutely terrified him.
No matter how hard he tried, there was still an emptiness in his heart. An uncertainty that God was truly pleased with him. That his wife loved him. That he would be able to provide for his own children.
He knew God loved him in his head – as it is clearly written in The Word – but his heart struggled to receive it as fully true – for him.
Sophie resisted The Gospel for many, many years.
Every time someone would tell her that Jesus loved her, she would immediately think, “yeah right.”
She had already decided in her heart that she would never have a father.
The pain of fatherly absence all those years had been too much to bear.
When she found herself in rehab for the second time as a young adult, she finally surrendered to the fact that she needed “a power higher than herself” to help her stay sober.
She agreed to be admitted to a Christian sober living program where she met a kind old lady who would teach her all about father's love.
She was patient and willing to help The Lord dig Sophie out of the mountain of pain and hard-heartedness she was buried under.
Receiving Jesus as her Savior was both the most joyous and painful experience of her life.
It would mean that she finally, truly had a Father.
But when His love entered her heart, it shined on & touched all the empty, achy places.
It was a deeply painful, wonderful thing.
She finally chose to believe it was true – That God so loved the world (including her), that He gave His one and only Son, that whosoever would believe on Him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life.
Her heart considered the thoughts, “He made me and died for me because He actually wants me? I get to actually have a Father? For real?"
Warm tears of joy & love & hope ran down her cheeks.
A seed of hope planted.
I don't know about you, but these stories, have stirred some things deep in my heart.
For me it increases the burden on my heart to minister to this kind of wounding. It is so heartbreakingly unfair how the enemy works to drive people into bondage like this.
Prisons of their own making.
What I hope you have come to understand is that it's through thoughts & beliefs we are tempted to think & come into agreement with during our developmental years that self-hatred and false identity is planted within the heart.
Brick by brick, the enemy tempts people to stack evidence and reasons why they should hate themselves to the bitter end.
In my last post I shared that I want to help you learn exactly how to heal from this kind of affliction.
So you can walk in your true identity and fulfill the calling on your life – without falling into performance orientation (like Nathaniel did) and end up in burn out.
The Lord has me working on something very special to help you gain major traction in your healing journey regarding self-hatred and false identity.
It is designed to address the bitter roots that are operating in the heart – no matter your story of origin or life circumstances.
It will equip you with the knowledge and tools to partner with The Lord for your sanctification and walk in the love you are made for.
In the near future, I will be sharing more details so please do keep a look out in my emails if you are interested in learning more.
As always, thank you for being here.
God bless you so, so much.
