Self-Hatred Hidden Sin IV

In the last part of this series, I shared how scripture reveals that even in the womb a child is aware — sensitive to their surroundings and able to respond. 

This awareness does not end at birth. 

From the very first breath a child takes, they are constantly observing, interpreting, and giving meaning to the world around them.

The sobering reality:

During the formative years of life, children are not only impressionable — they are literally unable to separate the circumstances around them from their own identity.

Psychologists call this egocentric thinking.

In simple terms, this means a child naturally believes that everything happening around them is somehow about them.

About who they are.

This directly impacts their sense of identity.

If mom and dad fight, the child assumes, “I must have done something wrong.” or “This is my fault.”

This is where the temptation to believe lies and make judgements comes in. 

If a parent leaves through divorce or abandonment, the child agrees with the thoughts, “I wasn’t good enough for them to stay.”

If love feels conditional, the child internally concludes, “I must be unworthy.”

These beliefs and meanings take root deep in the heart. 

Even though these conclusions are based on a child’s limited understanding, they feel absolutely true. And the enemy of our souls, the father of lies (John 8:44), is quick to reinforce them — especially lies about identity.

Unless God’s truth intervenes and those bitter roots are properly dealt with, those very lies grow into painful narratives that echo into adulthood, producing the bitter fruit of self-hatred, shame, or an unending sense of unworthiness. 

This impacts every single relationship. 

To deepen our understanding of these topics: psychology confirms what is being named here — children inevitably filter every experience through themselves, often assigning meaning (usually negative) about their value or identity.

For instance; in one study of preschoolers (~3½ years old), relational victimization (being excluded, rejected, etc.) was linked with characterological self-blame (believing there’s something about me that caused this), which in turn predicted internalizing symptoms (anxiety, sadness).

Citation: Goldstein, S. E., Daviss, W. B., & Smith, D. A. (2023). Self-blame attributions mediate the association between relational victimization and internalizing symptoms in preschool children. 

When children are excluded by peers, they nearly always blame themselves. 

What is so heartbreaking about this is that when child believes that something about them is broken, flawed, or unworthy, they become like a magnet for more harm.

Carrying shame like a target on their back.

If you have been in any of my courses, you will remember how judgments and negative expectations (two types of bitter roots) tempt others to fulfill those exact beliefs. 

In another recent study of over 1,600 middle school students this is confirmed in a profound way. 

Citation: Schacter HL, White SJ, Chang VY, Juvonen J. (2015) "Why me?": Characterological self-blame and continued victimization in the first year of middle school. 

The researchers discovered that the most powerful predictor of continued bullying was not depression, not lack of friends, not even aggressive behavior — but self-blame. 

Children and young teens naturally turn pain inward.

Instead of thinking, “Those bullies are cruel,” children think and come into agreement with the judgment/lie, “I must deserve this because I am broken.”

Once a child agrees with such lies, it opens the door to further harm and rejection, which reinforces the lies.

Each experience that reinforces a lie becomes like another brick stacked to form a wall around/within a person's heart/mind. 

This is the “stronghold” Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 10:4–5: false arguments that exalt themselves against the knowledge of God.

These lies form strongholds not only in the spirit — but also in the brain’s neural pathways.

It becomes easier and easier to believe the lie.
And harder and harder to receive God’s truth.

That is why it can feel impossible to believe you are lovable, even when your head knows what Scripture says.

You can repeat and repeat with your conscious mind, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made," but still struggle to feel that as true in your heart. 

There are literal strongholds in place.

Which become a massive challenge in every relationship. 

This is why it's so hard for someone with a core identity of shame/self-hatred to receive love. 

You know that feeling when someone else's love doesn't seem to be able to penetrate or “hit the spot?" 

Like it's hard to believe them when they say, “I love you.” ???

This is why. 

This also applies to your relationship with God. 

Which is why it might be extra challenging for you to fully believe some of His promises and truths found in The Word. 

There are literally bitter roots that have “sprung up to defile you …. making it harder for you to receive the grace of God." Hebrews 12:15

Please hear me. 

I know this can feel really overwhelming. 

It may even seem as though you are doomed to experience the same cycles of hurt again and again—especially when you’re already weary from carrying the weight of shame, rejection, or self-hatred.

I want to share with you that there is not only hope – there is promise for your healing. 

In Hebrews 12:15, the verse starts with “See to it”… which is both an invitation and a responsibility: to recognize the bitter roots in your heart and to allow God to uproot them so they no longer bear fruit in your relationships and life.

This is where I can come alongside you. 

Through my course, Reconciled, I walk with you through the very process of uncovering and healing the hidden roots that have fueled self-hatred, shame, and victimization. 

This isn’t about self-improvement—it’s about reconciliation. 

Reconciliation with yourself. 

Reconciliation with others. 

But most importantly, reconciliation with God and His truth about who you are.

In Reconciled, you will:

- Invite God’s love fully into your heart, not just in theory, but in embodied experience.

- Rest securely in your true identity in Christ.

- Step into the purpose you were born for.

- Enjoy more fulfilling, life-giving relationships.

- Experience the richness of a healed heart and soul.

- Come to life again.

Sister, you were never meant to carry self-hatred as your identity. 

You were made for love. 

You were made for joy. 

You were made on purpose and for a purpose.

And if you are ready to step into that kind of freedom, I warmly invite you to join me in Reconciled.

Which you can read more about using the link below.