Honor that Heals II

“The Law describes the way love must act, or actions cease to be love.”

In the last part of this series, I shared where I found myself at the beginning of this journey— saved by grace through faith (praise the Lord!) yet still stuck in a painful, destructive relationship… reaping fruit from bitter roots I didn’t even know were there.

I told you about the day I finally picked up a book I’d found almost a year earlier — a book that would change everything.

I finished it in less than a week, and knew deep down: this was the turning point I needed.

Before I tell you what happened next, I feel that I need to back up a bit.

Because it wasn’t just my marriage that was in shambles — it was pretty much my entire life.

Let me paint the ‘bigger’ picture.

It was January of 2023 when my now ex-husband left.

He spent about five weeks living in his car before entering a year-long rehab program. We were in no-contact for most of that time since the emotional abuse only continued to escalate and I needed space to heal and to focus on caring for our home — and for my own heart.

That same month, I filed my LLC for what is now Consecrated Wellness.

With fervent prayer and a brand-new business coach (whose large payment plan I had no idea how I was going to cover), I stepped out in faith.

The first income I ever made?

$12 — from the very first Cultivating Sabbath class I taught. 

I was walking by faith… while also living in deep survival mode.

I applied for food stamps to take some of the pressure off. I remember feeling so thankful for six months of guaranteed food security — even though shame crept in while sitting in that office again.

I had relied on food stamps for years before I was married, and I never imagined I’d find myself back there. I just knew I had to get that kind of support. 

There was no “plan B.”

I had two children to care for — one already showing symptoms of trauma from everything we had endured — and bills that weren’t going to pay themselves.

All I could do was stay obedient, stay focused, and trust that God would somehow provide.

Then, my laptop crashed.

It was so old it wouldn’t even run the platform I used for email.

I remember my heart pounding as I applied for a store credit card – praying I’d be approved.

When the clerk smiled and said, “Congratulations,” I almost cried right there.

You have to understand — just a few years earlier, I couldn’t even open a bank account.

I’d had a car repossessed, multiple maxed-out cards, and more financial failures than I could count.

To be approved for a line of credit felt like a miracle.

The laptop I chose — the same one I’m using to write this email to you — became a lifeline for my business.

Shortly after bringing it home, I built my first course, From Stressed to Blessed — a program to help women care for their nervous systems and find peace in chaos.

I sold a few spots and was overjoyed to serve in a deeper way.

But deep down, I felt like an imposter.

Here I was teaching nervous system regulation… while lying awake many nights, completely dysregulated by financial fear.

Without the tools I was teaching, I honestly think I would have collapsed.

That’s when the Lord began to show me something crucial — I could believe His promises in my head while still bracing for disaster in my heart.

There was a massive disconnect between my mind and my spirit.

While I continued to cling to His promise of providing, I also wrestled. 

Deeply.

There were nights when I found myself lamenting – frustrated, scared, and full of doubt — especially when I remembered His promise to me:

“I will provide.”

I remember one night, while both of my children were sleeping, sitting on the floor in tears,

“Lord… I’m so scared.”

It felt like at any moment, everything was going to crumble.

That season was tight. Every dollar stretched thin, every bill a test of faith.

And underneath the practical fear was something even deeper — the old trauma around money that still lived in my body. It wasn’t just anxiety; it felt like pure survival. My whole body believed I might actually die if I ran out of money.

I’ll share more of that part of my story another time, but for now, I just want to say this: even when it didn't feel like it, He was truly so faithful to keep His promise. 

It was just incredibly uncomfortable — because He was after so much more than meeting our physical needs — He was after the healing of my heart.

Then, in July 2023, it happened.

Rent was due and I didn't have enough to cover it.

One Sunday just before church, a woman I prayed with in our prayer group on Tuesdays approached me.

With firm gentleness, she pulled me aside.

She looked at me, my baby asleep in his wrap at my chest, and asked,
“Do you need help with rent this month?”

Her words caught me completely off guard. No one knew how hard things really were for me. 

Every time I asked for prayer, the focus somehow shifted to praying for my husband instead of me. It left me feeling invisible and unsafe to open up — and honestly, it hurt deeply.

When I tearfully said yes, she reached into her purse, counted some money, placed it into an envelope with my name already written on it, and pressed it into my hand.

She then said something along the lines, “Jesus loves you. He sees you. He’s with you.”

Then she smiled and walked into the sanctuary for worship as if nothing unusual had happened.

I stood still, tears welling in my eyes — silent, frozen, undone.

My heart felt so seen and cared for in that moment. 

I honestly didn't know what to do with it. 

Her act of quiet obedience cracked something open in me.

It was only a few weeks later — August of 2023 — that I finally picked up that book.

The one that had been sitting on my shelf for nearly a year.

And that’s when everything began to change.

After last week’s email, many of you asked what book I was talking about.

I’m going to share it with you — but before I do, I want to give you a little context.

Over time, I’ve read many of their books, taken their courses, and immersed myself deeply in this ministry.

If you’re just beginning this kind of heart-healing journey, I actually recommend starting with Transformation of the Inner Man by John and Paula Sandford before reading any of their other books.

The book that first opened the door for me — the one God used to change everything — was Deliverance and Inner Healing by John and Mark Sandford.

While reading that book, I noticed it referenced several others by the same authors. Each page stirred something new in me — a hunger to understand more. 

I underlined more passages and folded more page corners in that book than anything I’ve ever read. Every page felt like it was speaking directly to me.

I decided to go straight to their website to purchase another book as soon as I finished.

That’s when I saw it.

They didn’t just write books. They offered courses.

And the level I Heart Healing course started in less than two weeks.

The course description practically leapt off the screen — heart healing that lasts, breaking repeated life patterns, finding lasting freedom from trauma…

I knew instantly: this was what I had been praying for. 

The answer to the cry that no amount of striving or survival could fix.

There was just one problem — the cost. 

Over $700 to enroll.

I only had just a little more than that left on my credit card available to spend. 

Signing up would mean I would have less than $200 left.

I was already deep in debt and this would press us into an even tighter spot than ever before.

But I couldn’t shake the conviction. It was like The Holy Spirit kept nudging me, “You need to be in that class.”

So I sat there reading every single word on their information page. I read every testimonial and was drawn further into confidence this would truly change my life. 

It could change our lives. 

I took some deep breaths, clicked the link to enroll, and prayed for God to make a way — even down to finding someone to watch my baby during the weekly sessions.

It was another massive leap of faith.

And then a literal miracle happened.

I found the perfect babysitter — we met at a nearby park, and as we talked, I learned she too had been saved out of the New Age. 

She’s like family now. I’m still in awe of how intentionally the Lord weaves people into our lives at just the right time.

Praise God. 

The first teachings were released the weekend before our first group call, and I couldn't wait to dive right in.

We began with The Biblical Basis of Elijah House Prayer Ministry — specifically, The Base of Law.

At the time, I was attending a non-denominational church that, if I’m honest in looking back, was lukewarm and rather worldly. 

I’d never heard a teaching on God’s Law beyond the usual explanation that we needed Jesus to pay for our sins. And while that’s absolutely true, it's milk.

The message at that church was simple: live under grace, be loving, and do your best to be more like Jesus. 

There was no mention of sanctification. No talk of the 10 Commandments — aside from what was taught in the children’s ministry.

When it came to dealing with my husband’s addiction and abuse, the message was always the same: “Just love him more and pray harder.”

And I believed that — for nearly two years.

But what I learned the hard way is that love without truth enables destruction.

What he needed wasn’t more “grace” in the form of tolerance — he needed boundaries, consequences, and the opportunity to face his sin so he could truly repent.

That’s what God’s Law does. It reveals sin so grace can actually transform.

So this first teaching on God’s Law… it shook me. 

It was like discovering an entire dimension of truth I’d never been taught my entire life.

It also reminded me of when I was just saved. 

Before Jesus rescued me, I had been steeped in the New Age — deeply involved in things that, though they sounded like “love and light” and “the highest good for all,” were anything but.

When the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to the darkness I’d been participating in, I realized something sobering: my intentions didn’t protect me from the consequences of breaking spiritual law.

Ignorance is not innocence.

As I listened to this teaching, that same realization hit me all over again — this time regarding the commandment to honor your father and mother specifically.

That one pierced my heart like an arrow.

I had lived most of my life “a victim” of the harm my adoptive parents caused.

And in my victimhood, I had broken this law over and over — through judgments, bitterness, and unforgiveness I hadn't ever recognized as sin.

Conviction set in deep.

But with that conviction came hope.

I could clearly sense that God wasn’t trying to shame me — He was inviting me into healing.

And I couldn’t wait to learn exactly how I was supposed to honor them…
because I surely wanted things to go well with me.

That evening while my baby slept in my arms, I sat in silence long after the teaching ended.

I could feel the weight of conviction… but also the gentleness of God’s invitation.

For the first time, I realized that just because Jesus came to fulfill the Law doesn’t mean the Law itself is null and void.

His fulfillment didn’t cancel it — it completed it.

And now, through Him, I could finally begin to live in alignment with it.

It was like having scales lifted from my eyes.

I began to see that His laws weren’t rules that “no longer mattered” — they were divine principles still shaping the world around me.

They explained why things “weren’t going well” in my life… and how they finally could.

I didn’t have all the answers yet, but I knew He was taking me somewhere holy.

In my next email, I’ll share what I learned about how God’s Law still operates today, even with grace in full effect — this truly became the turning point that set me free from the cycles I couldn’t pray my way out of.

I can't wait to share this with you.